The End of Constant

I've been feeling particularly nostalgic recently although I'm not sure for what.  Spring always brings a deeper inhale, the extra fraction of a moment when gratitude rushes in.  The longer days and warmer sun seem to literally thaw my brain from the winter fog I live in for a solid three months.  And when that thaw happens, I'm ravenous for thought, creativity, movement, growth, laughter....everything that has been blunted for my three month freeze.  But this year feels different.  

It feels almost like I've been swimming around for years in this beautiful water but with no sign of the woman I've always known to be me....and now if I squint, I can almost see her. I still have quite a swim to reach her, but for the first time in years, I believe that she is still there.  

I acknowledge full well that I sit squarely in the 'Self Actualization' triangle of Maslow's Hierarchy, and that fact in and of itself makes this entire rant total bullshit.  I am lucky to be continuously self actualizing, I have the privilege to feel lost and anxious about my life's direction.  But even still, this is my context right now, and I feel every ounce of the roller coaster I'm in.  I wear many hats; nurse, educator, farmer (really the wife of a farmer and I sometimes shovel things), coffee roaster, daughter, wife, and friend.  But none of these hats have accounted for as large a piece of my mental, emotional, and physical pie as the role of mother.  Maggie is now almost seven, which is completely baffling to me, and Phoebe is almost four! (Yes I created and reared a whole other human since the last time I wrote.....case in point) Parenting small children is the most beautiful experience that completely degrades everything you know about yourself.  Never has my heart been so full.  And never has my soul been so lost.

But now, as I breathe a little deeper this spring I feel the shift.  I feel that there are corners of the day that are just mine.  The girls will play outside together without me....for an hour or more (as opposed to the 3 minutes it seemed to be not too long ago).  It's simple moments like that when I can feel my own needs rushing back in and demanding attention, kind of like my three year old does but these are things that serve ME!  I finally feel like I'm coming to the end of constant.  Constant direction, constant emotion management, constant body fluid cleanup, or anything else cleanup, constant watchful eye.....just. fucking. constant.  Have no doubt, of course, that tomorrow will prove me completely wrong....and I will go to bed laughing to/at myself.  But then, even on the worst days, after I roll around in bed mom shaming myself for a while, I still lull myself to sleep thinking that I have the most amazing kids I could possibly conjure up.  

So here's to spring, here's to the deeper breath, here's to the recognition that you might just be able to find yourself after all...and here's to riding that high before reality inevitably flicks you in the forehead.